Expectations for Therapy

It is important that expectations for therapy are explored and agreed. When I speak to a parent/carer initially, usually on the telephone, I explain that however young the child may be, it is important that the appointment is arranged in such a way that the child wants to come to see me. When children feel they are being dragged along against their will, they are unlikely to respond positively. Parents sometimes have may have a different agenda for therapy from their child,  and these may be either explicit or implicit.

For example, a parent may want the child to "improve behaviour". The child may seem willing to improve behaviour in one context so as not to get into trouble,  whereas parents may consider that therapy has not been successful unless the child has “stopped behaving badly”  in all situations.

It is important to consider that there may be unspoken, implicit factors that are affecting the young person's behaviours and their well being, or their ability or willingness to comply with parental or school expectations for change. For example, if a child feels stressed by expectations, or is being bullied, shamed, or even abused  in some way, or they are trying to protect someone, they may not be able to express what is going for them when the parent/carer is present, or at all. Or it may be that the young person does not have the words to express what is the matter. They may not know what is distressing them.

Underlying Difficulties

If there are underlying difficulties in the family or extended network that parents are struggling with, such as family conflict, addictions, work stress, physical illness or mental health issues, these can have an impact on their children's behaviour. When parents or carers have not yet healed  their own traumas, big or small, or if they still struggle with their own anxieties, attachment and relationship difficulties, this distress has the potential to be passed into the next generation.

We are all born into and live in relationship with others, with our parents, extended family/ies and close relationships (or the absence of these). A child's sense of self does not develop in isolation. A child's self esteem, self-confidence and self-awareness develop in and through attachments in the parent/carer-child relationship and other important relationships early in life and through all states of development.

When a child's sense of self-worth is not nurtured, confirmed and validated for whatever reason, or  happens in a way that hurts or injures the child, his or her sense of self and self confidence  cannot develop appropriately.  Sometimes because of the parents’ early experiences with their own parents, they may have difficulties setting boundaries with their kids, or they may be overprotective, neglectful or abusive or too distant or too intrusive. Parent’s emotional problems can affect their children’s emotional, physical and psychological development. For instance, a parent with depression, or who is suffering from physical illness, or struggling with addictions, may without knowing or intending to, may neglect their child’s needs for connection and love. This can result in the child developing emotional and behavioural problems.

In exploring the possibilities of this with parents/carers, I am empathic and compassionate, as many parents I have worked with have expressed feelings of shame and failure when recognising that their own problems and traumas are affecting their children. I understand the  honesty, humility and love it takes for parents to be open about how they may have affected their child, and appreciate the  courage and commitment needed to be willing to do whatever it takes to change.

Make Contact 

 If you are concerned about your child's emotional well-being, Please get in touch for a free initial phone call about how I might be able to help.

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In UK law, young people under the age of 18 years old are considered to be minors.  Especially with younger children, I am willing for a parent/carer to remain in the room, with the agreement that I will be speaking to the child directly rather than about the child to the parent. In some cases  the young person may feel more able to engage in the process if the parent/carer is not there during the session. I always discuss this with the child and the parent/carer and together we will agree what is best. If we agree that it is best that the parent/carer does not stay for the session, I clarify confidentiality and its limits. 

All the services I offer are  confidential within the bounds of UK law. Exceptions to confidentiality would be serious concerns about harm to self or others or any concerns about child protection or well being.

I am registered with the UK Council for Psychotherapy and uphold Ethical Codes of practice.
I have been registered with the Department of Education and Science since 1984.
I maintain current registration with the Disclosure and Barring Service.
I undertake regular clinical supervision and consultation for my work. 
I keep brief anonymised notes of client work.

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